Unconscious Mutterings after a choir trip

1. Blackout:: never had one, never want to.
   
2. Platinum:: wedding ring
   
3. Leather and lace:: Stevie Nicks song
   
4. Court:: Judge Wopner
   
5. Mind your own business:: MYOB
   
6. Gambling:: pointless
   
7. Lily:: flower
   
8. Evasive:: most people I know
   
9. Turn-on:: the tv
   
10. Suspect:: some cops show
    

I just got back from a 4 day trip to Minneapolis. It was a great escape from the hell that is my life. Being away made me feel so much better. I was so tempted to get off the bus in Duluth and not get back on. The idea of having to come back here made me feel SO hopeless.

All I did on the bus was try and think of some way out. Something I can do to change this misery. I just don't know what to do.

Karen was missing J the whole trip. She called him almost every night from the hotel. I don't think Karen and I will be friends much longer. This week-end is the most I've seen her in ages. We didn't even fight or argue like we usually do when she sees too much of me. But it's different now. I can't talk to her anymore.

I don't even want to see her much anymore. Being with her only reminds me of what my life is missing. That is never going to go away. Everything is about J. As it should be. But I don't want to have to keep being happy for her anymore. I'm so exhausted by it. I don't have any happiness to give. My life is in the worst place it's been in years and I'm tired of smiling and being positive for her when all I want to do is cry.

She doesn't need me in her life. I have no reason to hang around anymore. I don't add anything to it and she isn't adding anything to my life anymore either. When I'm around her I just feel more alone than when I'm in my room by myself. Everything in her life revolves around J. What they've done lately, what they are doing in the future. And all it reminds me of is how I have no one.

I have no one to share my life with. Nobody cares about me, what happens to me or what my hopes and dreams are. And I have no one whom I can care about and do something to improve their life. Because as much as I want to be loved I really want to love someone back. I don't have that and I'm starting to believe more with each day I'll never have that. And people can say whatever they want to me about this but it won't change how I feel. Someone who is not loved is not worth anything. Nothing in your life will mean anything if you're not loved by someone and have someone to love.